Being effortless.
2023 Update: I wrote this post back in 2022 when I was tip-toeing into the idea of writing. I hope you enjoy!
San Clemente, California heading into a surf shop. No reason, just wandering around, holding hands. We still do that. He just stopped and looked at me and said “you are just effortless” out of the blue. I instantly felt so special and loved. I have worn this as a badge of honor since that moment. I check in with myself often around that word. Especially when I know I am not being effortless. Time to pull the badge down and give it a good polishing.
Self-Help: Years ago, when we were going through our divorces, we read a lot of self-help and “how to have a good divorce” books. We also found ourselves analyzing relationship failures and hashing out the past. Believe me, sometimes it just has to be done. Thankfully, those days are long gone, but many of the lessons remain.
The Five Love Languages: One book that we both connected with was The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. If you are familiar with his approach, it analyzes five languages that can be used to understand and nurture any relationship. The languages are acts of service, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch, and gifts. You can take a quiz that helps you understand your own language. You can put the languages in order of importance. When others recognize your language, they can demonstrate their love for you in the way that you best feel and receive it.
Our Languages: For example, my top love language is words of affirmation followed closely by quality time. This means I feel loved when others communicate and affirm good things about me or when they share their valuable time enjoying my company. Feeling this kind of love will naturally inspire you to share your love back in the ways that you know the other person feels love. For example, Rich’s top love language is acts of service. When I fold his laundry (which I suck at so it is even more appreciated), run a personal errand for him, or cook (he loves my cooking…another badge), he feels loved because I am going out of my way to make his life easier. The first time I cooked a meal for him, I put the plate in front of him and he literally started crying. It was pumpkin ravioli with brown butter sage sauce and a radicchio salad with shaved parmesan. I utterly and completely adore his sappiness. Such a softie (shhh…don’t tell anyone).
Effortless: This “effortless-love languages” approach has always stuck with us. When Rich asks for help and I provide that service, I am boasting my badge of effortlessness. Instead of a “do it yourself” or “not my problem” attitude, I go out of my way to make his life simpler and better. In return, I find him paying attention to my love languages and saying something nice or suggesting we do something together. I still give him full credit when he announces he is speaking my love language. “Let’s go mountain biking for some quality time.” Yes, I do like mountain biking. I know, you are probably thinking this is all woo woo and maybe just me overthinking things (who, me?), but I am telling you, it works.
Big Gestures: It doesn’t always mean I have to provide these services myself. Last year, I surprised him with a complete garage remodel which I paid a professional organizer to do. Our large garage is his zone, his place. But, it was always an unorganized mess and with four kids, nearly impossible to maintain. He was always complaining about it or would spend every weekend trying to keep up with the onslaught of crap that would float in and out. Trash from the cars, neighbor skateboards, my spring cleaning projects, and so on. So, I went over the top. Seriously. I had new cabinets installed and had everything micro-organized. If you want to find a full set of drill bits, three kinds of electrical tape or all of your mountain biking accessories, it is at your fingertips. To this day, it is a magical place. I made this one thing in his life easier.
Be Easy: Coming from a man who grew up with a strong “life is hard” family mentality, I can see why being served and knowing that I did something so his life is easier, is so powerful and so appreciated by him. And, I will do this for him forever. Being effortless is…effortless when you love someone. In a world where so many things can feel hard, why not be easy?
So, try it yourself.
- Take the Love Languages™ Quiz
- If you can’t convince the others in your life to do the quiz, try to put yourself in their shoes and take it for them (not perfect, but can be insightful)
- Do three things that align to your other person’s love language
- Share your love language and don’t be afraid to offer examples of what would make you feel loved
Above all else, just be effortless.